Tuesday, January 20, 2004


Today I did something that took a lot of courage. I'd put off this task until almost the last possible moment. "I'm proud of you. You did great!" were the words to my soul. Immediately I countered, "I'm not proud of me at all because I know how simple this task is and also I know just how much I've struggled to do this very simple little thing." As I approached the place to do my task, words came to mind about courage: "Be strong and courageous...be strong and very courageous."

As I ponder these words, I wonder if courage doesn't always look courageous from the outside. Yes, sometimes it is accomplishing a grand feat against all odds or standing firm on principle against strong opposition.

But maybe courage is also about what happens on the inside. Maybe I was actually being strong and courageous while wrestling with whether or not to do this thing. I sure didn't feel strong and courageous. I felt the opposite: weak and afraid.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe struggling and wrestling with things is not a sign of being weak, cowardly, or faithless. But maybe it's in our weakness, fear, and doubt that we find courage to do what we know we need to do.

Friday, January 02, 2004

Sweet Healing Music

My friend who writes the blog, A New Anglican’s Journey, posted music for Divinum Mysterium in the Advent posting. The song's name was not something I recognized, but the music and lyrics are precious to my heart.

My mother played the organ in the church where I grew up and she played this song during Christmastime. The music brings back wonderfully good feelings and memories from my childhood in the Episcopal Church. I always loved the Advent season when I was a little girl especially the candle light service on Christmas Eve: the candles, wreathes, poinsettias, the smells, the green and red, the air of expectation. Something about it always gave me pause and awe, and sometimes sweet tears.

As I listen to this piece of music over and over again tears roll down my cheeks. It's been a long time since I've felt good feelings about the church. I thank my friend for posting this piece of music. It is a precious glimpse of goodness.