Today was a rough day. I was in meetings from 8:30 - 11:00, then again from 3:00-4:30. Have a big deadline Wednesday, so I worked until 9:30pm tonight. A 12 hour day. Whew! When I work long days like this I become fearful that I will return to my "workaholic" days. During the worst times, my motives for working long hours were less about deadlines and more about attempting to "redeem" myself and seeking my boss' approval. One receives lots of kudos when they produce lots of work. For me the kudos were a way of "medicating the inner pain". It worked for awhile, but eventually my work owned me and it became a living hell.
I don't think tonight was about either of these, but I'm not entirely sure. Schedules are tight and there is a lot of work to do. The team is feeling the pressure, so everyone is a bit testy. Unfortunately, when time is short, resources are short, and money is tight then "placing blame" for any miscommunication is just around the corner. This is especially true when people are discouraged which is the case for this project. I'm finding myself both tempted and actually succumbing to the blame temptation. Perhaps I feel a little guilty for not providing enough direction to the team. I don't know.
I guess I need to ask myself some hard questions. The purpose is not to condemn but to clarify so I can get back on the road to working hard for the right reasons, recognizing and valuing my limitations, and humbly bowing out of the role of savior.
