When I posted the first and second parts of this series, I’d essentially written the third part. It was inspired by an email to a friend I sent a month ago about my struggle with church. I shared that I dreaded certain questions typically asked when I get acquainted with church people. They are innocent questions to be sure, but below the surface are miles of hard traveling with the Lord to make sense of my life's experiences. Beneath these simple questions are sorrow and disappointment.
In the subsequent weeks other questions came to mind from a whole different perspective. These questions have helped untangle my deep-seated fear of reacquainting myself with a church body.
A thought came to me to briefly describe each church memory that comes to mind every time I think about going back. Initially, three memories came followed by two more. When I looked over them a common thread emerged. They all centered around people (me or people close to me) expressing a different belief or opinion than held by the “leadership”.
They all share some element of, "if you cause waves, you will be thrown out or marginalized. You will be shunned or isolated.” Pretty painful stuff. My truth has been if you speak up or disagree, you will be cut off from fellowship. You will be rejected. People you love will pull back from you.
The next question that came to mind was "So what?" not a negative question, but "What does that mean?" in other words "If this happens, then what am I?"
A friend once described how deathly afraid she is of being on the wrong side of an issue. It was (is) a visceral fear of hers. So another set of questions came to mind, “What is my greatest fear? What propels me with visceral urgency and vigorousness? What do I fear most in these memories I described about church?"
All the experiences were similar in that they were about disagreements. People had different views and/or beliefs, but the harm occurred with the subsequent action and behaviors once the disagreement came to light.
In every case the action was separation, either emotional distance or cutting off of relationship or friendship; establishment of norms that indirectly do not permit legitimate differences of opinions; attempts to revoke membership; invoking executive rule, i.e. agree with me or we will force you out. If you do not abide by the norms you will either be shunned, marginalized or asked to leave.
One of my great fears is not being thought of as a good neighbor, good worker, good family member, or good church member. I fear disapproval. Why do I fear it? What is at stake? Is it reputation? Is it relationship? Is it friendship? Membership? As I pondered these questions, I realized deep down I fear people in authority will change the rules and revoke my standing with God.
In wrestling with this fear I came to see I am free when my value is not tied up in these things. I am free to be authentic. I am free to speak because threats of "emotional withdrawal" have no leverage. Threats of membership revocation cannot revoke my standing before God. They cannot revoke my adoption. They cannot revoke my relationship with God by changing the rules of membership. Even if they kick me out, they cannot change the fact that God loves me and I am adopted by Him. These are facts. No one has the authority to change this.
My truth (my experience) is now reframed by this encompassing truth and I'm grateful.
Part 1 - The Leper Encounters Jesus
Part 2 - Coming Down from the Mountain
Part 3 - Painful Questions
