Rough Drafts and Sketchings*

Rough drafts and sketchings.

Long forgotten.

Your roughness and "mistakes" long ago.

Rough drafts and sketchings.

No longer remembered.

Yet...

Your existence spawns treasure, 

a jewel, a gem, a masterpiece.

Beginnings of...

form.  depth.  beauty.

color.  richness.  texture.

shape.  light.  darkness.  contrast.

Rough drafts and sketchings.

Today I embrace your unfinished beauty.

Today I receive your part of the whole.

Today I bless your work in my life.

Today I honor you.

* dedicated to my niece

Yardsticks

Set us free
that we would know in our bone's marrow 

that we are deeply loved and
completely cherished by You.

May we know this as a grounding truth.

Our performance is nothing to You. 

No measure to You.  No measure You use. 

You don’t use this yardstick.

You know it exists, but You never pick it up.

But we come to You and say 

"measure me and here is my measure." 

On a good day oh do we fly high. 

On a bad day all we see is failure, 

rejection or abandonment.

Your word in these moments is this:

"Child lay down the yardstick. 

I don't need it and neither do you. 

It is not mine. It is not my measure.

"'What,' you ask, 'is Your measure?' 

 Child, that is a beautiful question and a hard one. 

Today lay down your yardstick

and in the coming times 

I will show you My measure, 

My grace bound measure."

The Passage of Time

Firsts...

    - first birthday of hers
    - first phone call
    - first bad weather check-in
    - first July 4th
    - first birthday of mine
    - first birthday of his
    - first anniversary of theirs
    - first Thanksgiving
    - first Christmas Letter
    - first Christmas Day
    - first New Years

    These have passed without them

    These still to come

     - first anniversary of her passing
     - first anniversary of his passing

When Will I...

    - no longer feel like I'm walking in mud with galoshes strapped to my feet
    - no longer have dark moments feeling so sad
    - no longer remember their last days shrouded in pain

And when will I...

    - remember their sweet smiles,
          their encouraging words,
          the sound of their voices,
          the brightness of their laughter

    - memories of good times

    - memories of wise words and life lessons

The truth is all of this happens together, all at the same time, no straight line.  Some sweet days, some hard days, days of laughter, days of sorrow, lots of mixed days.  Days of normalcy or at least a new normal.

Time is a necessary part of the process.  A necessary ingredient.  Passing days allowing time to do its beautiful work.

Time, annual markers, memories, hugs, laughter, encouragement, tears and gratitudes … all part of the healing.