Pretty Blue Dress

There is a pretty blue dress in the Talbots window that I've been seeing these past few weeks on our way to Starbucks. It keeps catching my eye, but I didn't realize until today that it evokes sadness. I decided to find out the message in the little blue dress and here's what came to me.

It reminds me of a similarly hued hand-me down from my sister. I loved this dress especially because it was, what one of my nieces' calls, a "twirly dress". I also loved how the dress looked on my sister. It complimented her sweet personality and she looked beautiful and happy.

I'm the youngest of three girls and envied everything about my middle sister. Through these last several years I've come to terms with the reasons and worked through most of it (I hope). I've come to appreciate our differences and very much cherish our friendship and growing trust.

This is a little bit strange, but I think what hit me deeply about the Talbots' dress is this: this is a dress I think I'm supposed to want to wear, but it wouldn't look good on me. For one thing, powder blue not a good color on me, but more than that the style doesn't fit my personality.

I think I tried to live in this view of myself for a long, long time. But this isn't me. I'm not sure what dress is me, but today I'm realizing I don't have to choose, nor wear this pretty blue dress.

I may just go out to the Talbots web site and find a pretty dress that screams "that's me!"

Resetting Expectations

I've been thinking a lot about level setting expectations these last few months. I'm currently working with a team to develop a new software product. As it turns out it is a fairly visible project within our organization. I hate this. I much prefer to work under the radar. Since it's more visible it needs more "care and feeding" so to speak. We have a standard process for managing projects which includes something called Risk Management. The idea is to spend time up front identifying risks, defining a mitigation plan either to eliminate the risk or a plan to reduce its impact should the risk manifest. The idea is to think through potential issues first before they blow-up and impact the cost, schedule or scope. Important, but not easy.

Earlier this year I hit a wall (not literally) of frustration. Normally, the project manager is responsible for identifying and managing the project risks. Although on past projects, I've been the project manager but on this project I have a different role. Unfortunately, the project manager hasn't focused on this. We've stumbled our way to completing the first phase and will release the product on Monday, but it hasn't been easy and it hasn't been pretty.

During my fit of frustration my husband gave me a new metaphor to approach this project. My expectations were that we deliver the product successfully, but also by following all the processes. The problem is we have too much to do in the time alloted. He helped me to see that maybe this is more like a first-run marathon. That we finish is the success, not that we finish first. Not an easy thing for a recovering workaholic and perfectionist.

One, two, Three...the answer is Three.

A funny memory came back to me today. My co-worker has a candy dish on his desk full of Hershey kisses, starbursts, jolly ranchers, and tootsie roll pops. I haven't seen a Tootsie Roll pop in ages. My defenses were down (stress up) and I grabbed one of the suckers. I instantly remembered when I was about 9. My middle sister (11 at the time) decided she would answer the question posed at the end of the famous commercial. She licked and licked and licked and licked...each time keeping track on a pad of paper.

Me on the other hand. One, two, three...crunch.

P.S. Guess what my sister does for a living. She's an accountant. Me...not an accountant. :)

Front Windows and my 2010 Word

I love sitting on my couch looking out the front window. As the seasons change so does my view. Today this is what Abbie (my dog) and I see. We've experienced a wintry mix during this storm, so the tree limbs and branches are encased in .5 of ice and 6 inches of snow cover everything. Our power lines are still intact but drooping heavily.

It's been awhile since I last blogged. I miss it. I miss not finishing our home improvement chronology (btw...it turned out beautifully) and documenting my "Unravelling" journey through photography.

Several weeks ago I read a post from the creator of the Unravelling course about picking a word for the year. I pondered the idea for several days and wondered if I'd like to try.

While driving back from the grocery store (or maybe Starbucks) two words came to mind: REACH OUT.

I like them. I am intrigued. I'm intimidated and scared...but I'm interested and willing. I'm not exactly sure what this will mean to me or for me, but I know it has to do with being braver in connecting. In know it means blogging more, especially about topics busting within me.

So, we shall see what a year of reaching out looks like for Small Glimpses.

My Grandma's Animal Families

1. Grandma's Animal Families, 2. Ducks, 3. Kangaroos, 4. Sheep

I've struggled a bit with the Unravelling- Favourites photo assignment and I'm not sure why. But as I thought about more of my favourite things I remembered my Grandmother's collection of Animal Families. As long as I can recall she collected these little figurines. She displayed them on one of her window sills. As a little girl I remember her showing me her latest addition. I also remember her sharing about different types of families; some had lots of children, some no children, some with only a mom or dad. Some were blended families and some had adopted children. (In fact the sheep family is just that. Two of the little lambs have different faces than the other little lamb.) I think she even had several single member families.

I think she had upwards of 50+ families - farm animals, sea creatures, even some insects. When she died my dad and his siblings split up the collection and my father graciously gave me and my sisters each three families.

I had forgotten how special these little things are to me. They were on a kitchen shelf just catching dust. I washed each one individually and found myself talking to the little things. I wondered if my grandmother did the same thing when she dusted them.

As I write these words I realize how much I miss her. She died in 1995 which was before I knew for sure that I couldn't have kids. I suspected as much, but hadn't reconciled to it emotionally. As my husband and I worked through the grief we came to the place of seeing ourselves as a family even though we didn't have kids. I imagine that my grandmother planted this truth deep in my heart before I knew this would my path.

Home Improvements - No Turning Back

The moment I realized there was no turning back was not when they poured the concrete cap and bolted down the 1 ton tornado shelter.  The moment was when I took this photo. I am standing inside the garage noticing that we can no longer drive anything into this space because of the new stem wall.  

The photo below is the stem wall from the outside.  Our ingenious contractor rigged the garage door so it's still usable making it easy for them to bring in equipment and supplies.   

We plan to install a 4'x6' window that matches the one on the other end the house and landscape in front of this area.

P.S.  This week our contractor installed our new side door.  It is WAY cool, though we discovered we'll need to adjust the height of the original steps.  The rise from top step into the house is 6" higher than standard.  A bit of a hazard.   

My Travel Companions

I took this picture the other day while reflecting on the importance of journaling to me and also working on "My Favorite Things" Week 3 Unravelling photo assignment. The journal on the left is the #1 journal my husband bought me 12 years ago.

The first entry is March 31st, 1997 and the last entry is January 15th of the next year. This time period bookends a huge turning point in my life. My paid work consumed me and had for several years. During this time I began realizing I desperately wanted balance back in my life (or maybe balance for this first time in my life. Not sure which is more accurate). Around Christmastime of that year, I heard a sermon about "balance" communicated through a very helpful acronym. As I drove home (a 55 minute drive), I remember seeing my life next to the life depicted in the acronym. In that moment it was crystal clear how completely out of balance my life had become.

Several weeks later, actually the first work day of the new year, I was laid off. It was a shock to be sure, but it began an important leg of my life's journey. This event was definitely a "tear out" event and included lots of rebuilding and restoring.  The fingerprints of God were definitely evident to me.  I can honestly say that being laid off was one of the most important events in my life and has resulted in huge blessings to me, my husband, and our families.

P.S. The peacock journal is my travel companion for my "Unravelling" journey. I bought this journal sometime last year and for some reason it seemed right for this time.

Home Improvement Unravelling

It dawned on me the other day while working on my Unravelling photo assignment for Week 2 that the unravelling process looks a lot like the home improvement process. I realized that sometimes we need to tear out something (i.e. let go of an unhealthy attachment) before we can see and experience our desired change. Often it doesn't look too pretty, but in time there will be a blessing.

I took this photo a few days before receiving the photo assignment from Susannah. Our task was to shoot photos of our reflections in literally whatever or wherever we could see them. I love this photo because it inspires me to continue the process of "unravelling" along with rebuilding, restoring, and renewing.

Explanation Notes: This is the new stem wall where the garage door entrance used to be. (I had no idea what this was until we started this process).

Home Improvements – Decision Triggers

We've pondered remodeling on and off for several years. Most of the time it was daydreaming and free thinking about possibilities. Oddly, however, the thing that propelled us into actually putting the plan into action was a possible move out of the state.

At this time last year we considered a 1-year move with the possibility for a longer term position (though not guaranteed). The location was about 90 minutes from my mom and dad and within 6-7 hours of my husband’s parents. On one hand it seemed the perfect move for us, but after considering several factors we decided it was too risky.

For starters, we weren’t entirely sure I could find a job in my field in the community and that meant looking 60 to 90 miles away with scary winter travel. Another option was for me to stay here and commute back and forth. But the question of the animals was not easy. Would B take all the animals or would he take two and leave two with me? Those goodbyes would be horrible. When we shared about the potential move with one of our nieces her comment was, “When I think of my aunt and uncle, I just see you two together and not apart.” We decided we agree. (We are discovering she’s pretty wise and she’s only 17!!) All things considered we decided this was not a good fit for either B or me, so B pulled himself out of the job search.

Once we made this decision to stay we got more serious about the remodel. Oddly, the more we talked the more it seemed to make sense despite of the economic conditions. Having a second bathroom is good for resell as is an in-house tornado shelter especially in OK. Finally, we decided that investing in the local economy was something we wanted to do and something we could do.  So far no regrets.  Some fears, but no regrets.

P.S.  Ironically, we used the storm shelter the other night!!!  Bad storms rolled into our county about 10:00pm and the tornado warning sirens blared as we went under a Tornado Warning.  When the local weather showed the storm tracker heading our way I freaked.  I wanted to get the cats in their carriers while we were "relatively" calm.  It didn't work too well evidenced by my cat-scratched arms.  Turns out no tornado dipped down out of the angry storm clouds, but it was kinda scary at least for me.  SO VERY NICE to have our own shelter to calm our fears.  Absolutely no regrets!

NOTE: Photo courtesy Dave Mardis.  Taken about 5 miles east of us.

Sweet Comfort

Molly is sitting beside my computer.   She is very sweet and she's doing that semi-nap thing, e.g. eyes half closed, head dropped, just quiet.  Today she provides me comfort and reminds me that I am loved.  I am grateful for our animals' intuition.  (This is an old picture, but one of my favorite.)

Today I remember my childhood dog, Candy.  She was a collie and our beloved dog.  My memory was of a time when I was really sad.  I sat on the back porch and Candy came over.  She sidled up under my arm.  I cried and she licked my tears.  It's a precious memory for me.