I've mentioned in earlier posts that I struggle with church. Last week a friend and I talked about this and through our conversation I decided to check out a website of a local church she recommends. The concepts they espouse are in keeping with my desires and thoughts, but when I clicked through the pages fear gripped me and I thought, "I just can't do this. It's too much!!"
Parts of me want to be involved/committed, but another part has serious reservations and thus I back away as quickly as possible. I talked with my friend again this week and shared several very painful experiences with church. I could feel grief well up inside. The good news is I didn't stuff it back down, but nonetheless it reminds me that I still have lots of unresolved pain. As I recounted the experiences, I realized (maybe for the first time) just how many really yucky things I've seen in church. No wonder I'm scared. I agree with the sentiment that the church is a hospital for sinners and not a haven for saints, but it makes no sense why we (the church), given the huge vastness of the sovereign God we believe in, don't look and behave much different from other institutions.
As I've been wrestling (again) with all this, the story of Jesus' interaction and healing of the leper came to mind and spoke to a deep place. Matthew begins telling about the miracles of Jesus by saying, "Jesus came down" from the mountainside. This was just after he finished preaching his brilliant Sermon on the Mount. The verses that follow tell story after story of Jesus' interaction and healing of scores and scores of people. Bruner poignantly connects Jesus' example to that of the church. The church "must be both up on the mountain with the Lord receiving his Word (Matt 5-7) and down in the valley with human beings applying his Work (Matt 8-9)" (Bruner, Vol 1, p 373).
In many ways I feel like the Lord has permitted me to "stay up" on the mountain with Him during my time "away from church" (although I am connected with "the body" through good friends, family, and several women's groups.) This desire to attend church periodically comes and goes, but inevitably something I hear or something someone says scares me away. Truly the idea terrifies me. Truth be told, "I don't want to come down from the mountain into the messy world of broken people. I want to stay with Father in this safe and loving place. I don't want to go!
Yet I wonder if the Lord would say to me, "Just as I came down to heal people, so must you. I call you to minister to people. Not to be their answer, but to point them to Me...to Father. I do not call you to take on their burden, but to bring them to Me and to point them to Me."
One of my dangerous behaviors is co-dependency and my tendency "take on" the burdens of others. In my desire to help, somehow I find myself owning their problem. I'm much better about this than I used to be. I've learned how to set boundaries not to keep others out, but for my own sanity. I'm also recognizing and owning my limitations. I suspect the journey back to fellowship with a church will include a bit of these things. I'm going to let these words roll around a bit and see where we end up.
Part 1 - The Leper Encounters Jesus
Part 2 - Coming Down from the Mountain
Part 3 - Painful Questions
2 comments:
Although I am part of the institution - I am gainfully employed by my church - I fully support your need to stay away at times. The church - the institution - has caused great pain, much too often. I do hope you will lovingly find your way into a body that will reflect Jesus' love more often than not. Never will she be perfect, but we are called to 'be' the church...to gather together and shine a brighter light.
I hope you find your way to a place you can call home. Wish you were close enough to come to MY home! be blessed on your journey...
Beth...Thanks for your gentle and kind words. My husband and I often wonder why we can't completely disconnect from the church. In spite of all the pain, she (the church) is still worth fighting for.
I also realized that my emotional wounds are mixed with fear which is a powerful combination. The other day an image came to mind of the need for a pick axe to break the calcified entrenchment. Kind of a painful image, but helpful in that I know the journey back won't be easy, but it's possible.
I'm more and more hopeful every day. I came across a helpful book recently that put my struggle into a greater context. It helps me see that I'm not alone. Others too are heartbroken over some things they see and have experienced at the hand of misguided authorities.
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