Early Dawn Sky

Didn't sleep very well last night.  Woke about 3:30 with lots of thoughts swirling around my head.  I got up about 4:30 and did some writing.  Both my cats came to be with me at one point.  Been thinking a lot about aging especially after seeing my parents recently and reflecting that I'll be 50 in just over a year. Where has the time gone?

I took the dogs out about 5:15 and marveled at the beauty in the pre-dawn sky.  Venus is so bright this time of year from my horizon.  

Last fall my brother-in-law told us about the wonderful iPad application called Star Walk.  I love it.  Here is an image of what my eyes saw this morning.  I lay down on the deck for a few minutes and took in the amazing beauty and depth.  Amazed by what I can and cannot see with my naked eye.   

Pre-dawn sky at my horizon this morning -
image from Star Walk iPad app

Family Secrets

i wonder if I can really write this post about family secrets.  thought about this while driving home from yoga and wondered if it could be an entree into rewriting my post about our family cabin, what it is, what it means, to me, to our family, especially my father.  maybe it's too soon.  the ability to be really transparent is so hard for me.

this morning i read trisha's and misti's blog posts about their trip to taos - vacationing with people they'd never met in person, but came to know - actually know - through a facebook group.  sounds like a group where they are very real and transparent with each other.  what you see is what you get.  no hiding, no posturing, no justifying.   trisha also wrote an amazingly touching post about her new tattoo she got while there.

as much as I loved reading the posts and was touched deeply, but i also came away feeling sad because i realize only a few people really know all of me.  i can probably count them on one hand.  maybe this is normal.  i have no idea.  i just know that sometimes i wish i didn't have all these 'selves' to keep track of.

i didn't go to my 30 yr high school reunion last weekend.  i only attended part of the 10th and that was at the last moment.  i didn't attend the 20th either.  lots of excuses as to why.  a big part is thinking about walking up by myself.  it is a huge hurdle for me.  large groups are not usually comfortable for me unless I'm with my husband and can "hide" behind him in his comfort zone.  really though i realized that i wasn't sure which 'self' i should be at the reunion.  the good girl, the professional working woman, the deeply spiritual Christian believer, the "lefty" okie in a totally conservative red state.

one of the reasons i started this blog 9 years ago was to help bridge my 'selves' together, but i still sensor myself on these pages.  some transparency yes, but the fear of saying too much or not the right way keeps me from writing.

anyway, soon i want to write a blog about family secrets and how they've impacted me. someday... but not today....see what I mean?

p.s.  i decided not to capitalize any of the first letters of my sentences as a way to write more freely.  it felt good and freeing.

Musing...

Thinking, writing, musing. This is what he does and I love it. I love him.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Love and Rejection

Earlier this year I reread Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard.  I first read the book about 15 years ago and loved it.  Again it speaks volumes.  I came across a line spoken by the Shepherd to Much-Afraid as she described her fears about the hurt and pain a loved one can cause.  The Shepherd acknowledges that loving means being vulnerable to pain and he says:

"But it is happy to love...it is happy to love even if you are not loved in return. There is pain, too, but Love does not think that very significant."

During lunch with a friend recently, she shared about a painful experience when she felt rejected by an inadvertent dismissal of a suggestion of hers by a loved one.  In working though her intense reaction, she held her tongue, acknowledged the pain and heard its message.  Although the pain was intense she had a light bulb moment when she realized this pain was a momentary discomfort and not a crisis.  How much she wanted to reject back, but decided not to.

Soon she found herself thinking about another relationship marked by rejection of her and and with compassion she began extending sweet, sweet grace to these old painful memories.  She knew the other person began life rejected and continued experiencing rejection during their early life.   They never learned how to experience risk by reaching out to people.  Never experienced those connections that include a give and take, compromise.  These are all part of the fabric of relationship.

My friend's experience is serving as an example for me.  This is something I need to work on this year.  I hope I can find and extend the same grace.

~*~

You have heard that it was said, 

‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  

But I tell you, 

love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 

that you may be children of your Father in heaven.  

He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, 

and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.  

Matthew 5:43-45 (NIV)

*~*