Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Family Secrets

i wonder if I can really write this post about family secrets.  thought about this while driving home from yoga and wondered if it could be an entree into rewriting my post about our family cabin, what it is, what it means, to me, to our family, especially my father.  maybe it's too soon.  the ability to be really transparent is so hard for me.

this morning i read trisha's and misti's blog posts about their trip to taos - vacationing with people they'd never met in person, but came to know - actually know - through a facebook group.  sounds like a group where they are very real and transparent with each other.  what you see is what you get.  no hiding, no posturing, no justifying.   trisha also wrote an amazingly touching post about her new tattoo she got while there.

as much as I loved reading the posts and was touched deeply, but i also came away feeling sad because i realize only a few people really know all of me.  i can probably count them on one hand.  maybe this is normal.  i have no idea.  i just know that sometimes i wish i didn't have all these 'selves' to keep track of.

i didn't go to my 30 yr high school reunion last weekend.  i only attended part of the 10th and that was at the last moment.  i didn't attend the 20th either.  lots of excuses as to why.  a big part is thinking about walking up by myself.  it is a huge hurdle for me.  large groups are not usually comfortable for me unless I'm with my husband and can "hide" behind him in his comfort zone.  really though i realized that i wasn't sure which 'self' i should be at the reunion.  the good girl, the professional working woman, the deeply spiritual Christian believer, the "lefty" okie in a totally conservative red state.

one of the reasons i started this blog 9 years ago was to help bridge my 'selves' together, but i still sensor myself on these pages.  some transparency yes, but the fear of saying too much or not the right way keeps me from writing.

anyway, soon i want to write a blog about family secrets and how they've impacted me. someday... but not today....see what I mean?

p.s.  i decided not to capitalize any of the first letters of my sentences as a way to write more freely.  it felt good and freeing.

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