The Leper and Painful Questions - Part 3

When I posted the first and second parts of this series, I’d essentially written the third part. It was inspired by an email to a friend I sent a month ago about my struggle with church. I shared that I dreaded certain questions typically asked when I get acquainted with church people. They are innocent questions to be sure, but below the surface are miles of hard traveling with the Lord to make sense of my life's experiences. Beneath these simple questions are sorrow and disappointment.

In the subsequent weeks other questions came to mind from a whole different perspective. These questions have helped untangle my deep-seated fear of reacquainting myself with a church body.

A thought came to me to briefly describe each church memory that comes to mind every time I think about going back. Initially, three memories came followed by two more. When I looked over them a common thread emerged. They all centered around people (me or people close to me) expressing a different belief or opinion than held by the “leadership”.

They all share some element of, "if you cause waves, you will be thrown out or marginalized. You will be shunned or isolated.” Pretty painful stuff. My truth has been if you speak up or disagree, you will be cut off from fellowship. You will be rejected. People you love will pull back from you.

The next question that came to mind was "So what?" not a negative question, but "What does that mean?" in other words "If this happens, then what am I?"

A friend once described how deathly afraid she is of being on the wrong side of an issue. It was (is) a visceral fear of hers. So another set of questions came to mind, “What is my greatest fear? What propels me with visceral urgency and vigorousness? What do I fear most in these memories I described about church?"

All the experiences were similar in that they were about disagreements. People had different views and/or beliefs, but the harm occurred with the subsequent action and behaviors once the disagreement came to light.

In every case the action was separation, either emotional distance or cutting off of relationship or friendship; establishment of norms that indirectly do not permit legitimate differences of opinions; attempts to revoke membership; invoking executive rule, i.e. agree with me or we will force you out. If you do not abide by the norms you will either be shunned, marginalized or asked to leave.

One of my great fears is not being thought of as a good neighbor, good worker, good family member, or good church member. I fear disapproval. Why do I fear it? What is at stake? Is it reputation? Is it relationship? Is it friendship? Membership? As I pondered these questions, I realized deep down I fear people in authority will change the rules and revoke my standing with God.

In wrestling with this fear I came to see I am free when my value is not tied up in these things. I am free to be authentic. I am free to speak because threats of "emotional withdrawal" have no leverage. Threats of membership revocation cannot revoke my standing before God. They cannot revoke my adoption. They cannot revoke my relationship with God by changing the rules of membership. Even if they kick me out, they cannot change the fact that God loves me and I am adopted by Him. These are facts. No one has the authority to change this.

My truth (my experience) is now reframed by this encompassing truth and I'm grateful.

Part 1 - The Leper Encounters Jesus
Part 2 - Coming Down from the Mountain
Part 3 - Painful Questions

Adventure - an advent

I'm reading William Least Heat-Moon's book "Blue Highways: A journey into America". (It dawned on me the other night that it's a 1980s travel blog.) He said something that struck a cord when I read the words last night. In this entry he talked about traveling from New Tazewell to Morristown TN where he hit road construction through the Clinch Mountains. It must have been quite a harrowing trip.

The crossing became a grim misadventure, and I wasn't prepared for it. I tried to think of other things. Helen Keller, who never drove the Clinch Mountains, said life is a daring adventure or it is nothing. Adventure - an advent. But no coming without a going. Death and rebirth. Antithetical notions lying next to each other, as on a globe the three-hundred-sixtieth degree does to the first. Past and future. (p. 37)

I'm wondering if sometimes roads we travel are under construction and quite treacherous, but nonetheless it's the way out. Death and rebirth. Adventure - an advent. It speaks hope to me.

So I'm a 21st century dork

This morning I took the dogs for a walk while B was running errands. About 100 feet from the house, I noticed the car in the driveway. I whipped out my cell phone and called home. When B answered (he knew it was me since we each have a special ring tone on our phone for each other) and I said, "I'm a dork. Guess where I am?" We both laughed and I walked 30 paces home.

The Leper and Painful Questions - Part 2

I've mentioned in earlier posts that I struggle with church. Last week a friend and I talked about this and through our conversation I decided to check out a website of a local church she recommends. The concepts they espouse are in keeping with my desires and thoughts, but when I clicked through the pages fear gripped me and I thought, "I just can't do this. It's too much!!"

Parts of me want to be involved/committed, but another part has serious reservations and thus I back away as quickly as possible. I talked with my friend again this week and shared several very painful experiences with church. I could feel grief well up inside. The good news is I didn't stuff it back down, but nonetheless it reminds me that I still have lots of unresolved pain. As I recounted the experiences, I realized (maybe for the first time) just how many really yucky things I've seen in church. No wonder I'm scared. I agree with the sentiment that the church is a hospital for sinners and not a haven for saints, but it makes no sense why we (the church), given the huge vastness of the sovereign God we believe in, don't look and behave much different from other institutions.

As I've been wrestling (again) with all this, the story of Jesus' interaction and healing of the leper came to mind and spoke to a deep place. Matthew begins telling about the miracles of Jesus by saying, "Jesus came down" from the mountainside. This was just after he finished preaching his brilliant Sermon on the Mount. The verses that follow tell story after story of Jesus' interaction and healing of scores and scores of people. Bruner poignantly connects Jesus' example to that of the church. The church "must be both up on the mountain with the Lord receiving his Word (Matt 5-7) and down in the valley with human beings applying his Work (Matt 8-9)" (Bruner, Vol 1, p 373).

In many ways I feel like the Lord has permitted me to "stay up" on the mountain with Him during my time "away from church" (although I am connected with "the body" through good friends, family, and several women's groups.) This desire to attend church periodically comes and goes, but inevitably something I hear or something someone says scares me away. Truly the idea terrifies me. Truth be told, "I don't want to come down from the mountain into the messy world of broken people. I want to stay with Father in this safe and loving place. I don't want to go!

Yet I wonder if the Lord would say to me, "Just as I came down to heal people, so must you. I call you to minister to people. Not to be their answer, but to point them to Me...to Father. I do not call you to take on their burden, but to bring them to Me and to point them to Me."

One of my dangerous behaviors is co-dependency and my tendency "take on" the burdens of others. In my desire to help, somehow I find myself owning their problem. I'm much better about this than I used to be. I've learned how to set boundaries not to keep others out, but for my own sanity. I'm also recognizing and owning my limitations. I suspect the journey back to fellowship with a church will include a bit of these things. I'm going to let these words roll around a bit and see where we end up.


Part 1 - The Leper Encounters Jesus
Part 2 - Coming Down from the Mountain
Part 3 - Painful Questions

The Leper and Painful Questions - Part 1

I mentioned in an earlier post that I'm working my way through the book of Matthew using Frederick Dale Bruner's commentary. I'm not finished digesting the Sermon on the Mount (Chapters 5-7), but so far it's been illuminating and rewarding. It feels like a huge feast before my eyes. Things I recognize have taken on new colors, flavors and depth. Other things are totally new. B and I've been pleasantly surprised at some of the things Bruner illuminated. I'm still making sense of what I've learned, but my thinking / knowing has shifted slightly based on what I've read and I'm excited about that.

I decided to move on to the next few chapters for a while. Bruner calls the section after the Sermon on the Mount the "The Touching Messiah" (Chapters 8 and 9) since Matthew tells a number of stories about Jesus healing people and being present and involved with people.

When I read the beginning of Ch 8 the thought came to mind to read the stories in first person as if Jesus were retelling them to me. So here is how I heard the first story.

After teaching and speaking about Father's kingdom, I came down from the mountainside and a large crowd followed me. Can you believe it!! A man with leprosy came up to me, bowing down and worshiping me. He said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." With great affection for this despairing man, I reached out my hand and I grabbed him and touched him. "Oh Yes! I am willing. Be clean!" Immediately, he was cleaned and cured of his leprosy. Then I said to him, "At this moment don't tell anyone. However, go and show yourself to the priest and offer the gift Moses commanded, so you will be a testimony to them." (Matthew 8:1-4)

The story came alive like never before. I continued reading chapters 8 and 9 in this same way and felt like I'd just experienced a story-time with none other than Jesus himself.


Part 1 - The Leper Encounters Jesus
Part 2 - Coming Down from the Mountain
Part 3 - Painful Questions

My Beloved Cooking Dog!!

Scholastic Book Club Order

Do you remember back in elementary school when our Scholastic Book Club orders would arrive? ...order form neatly wrapped around the books with a thick rubber band...the wonderful smell...the sound of crackling pages...the beautiful book covers.


Yesterday my husband received a book order with some research money. He ordered five books: one hardbound and 4 paperbacks. As he handed me the books I instantly transported back to 3rd grade. I looked at each book, flipped through, and of course smelled the pages. I asked my husband if he remembered Scholastic Books. He said "YES!" With a laugh I said, "this is a scholastic book order on steroids." We both laughed and reminisced. It was a cool moment.


So here's to Scholastic Book Club!! Three cheers!! (Here is a pic of my MOST favorite Scholastic books by Ruth Chew.)

Bruce Springsteen - Part 2

My next encounter with Bruce was my re-education by my music-fanatic-soon-to-be-husband about the real Bruce Springsteen. As I mentioned in my previous post, I confused Rick Springfield with Bruce Springsteen. In the early 80s I was a big fan of Rick Springfield. What teenage girl wouldn't have been?? Good-looking soap-opera-doctor turned singer. A couple of girl friends and I went to Red Rocks to see him in concert. Yipee!!

Bruce Springsteen's Tunnel of Love album was released the year we were engaged. We listened to the album over and over again, so it was very much a part of the early years of our marriage. We especially liked the title track, Tunnel of Love. It aptly expressed the exciting and yet scary parts of marriage.

...Cuddle up angel cuddle up my little dove
We'll ride down baby into this tunnel of love...

...Then the lights go out and it's just the three of us
You me and all that stuff we're so scared of
Gotta ride down baby into this tunnel of love

...it ought to be easy ought to be simple enough
Man meets woman and they fall in love
But the house is haunted and the ride gets rough
And you've got to learn to live with what you can't rise above if you want to ride on down in through this tunnel of love

As luck would have it, Bruce came through our city on his Tunnel of Love Tour and a friend got us front row tickets in the side section to the concert!! (Her sister worked for Select-a-Seat at the time.) Unfortunately, my soon-to-be husband was recovering from mono. I hinted that maybe we shouldn't go to the concert and he looked at me like I'd gone mad. I soon discovered why.

The concert was absolutely amazing. Bruce played for at least 4 hours. Every minute was fabulous. He sang. He played. He rocked. He danced. He jumped. The eStreet Band...Clarence and Patti. Wow!

At one point he hopped onto a speakers on our side of the stage. He looked down at our section while singing his heart out. My husband (to be) looked at me and I looked at him. At the same time we said, "He LOOKED at ME!". It was an amazing moment. We had a great time at the concert and we were completely spent by the end. Supposedly Bruce came out for yet another encore. Who knows. I'm not sure we could have lasted. I was completely exhausted and I didn't even have mono.

Bruce Springsteen - Part 1

This morning I read a new blog called penni for your thoughts. In one of her recent entries she mentioned seeing Bruce Springsteen in concert as a non-fan and coming away as a fan (see her post comments).

I got to thinking about my own encounters with Bruce and his music. My husband and his music loving friends are mortified when I share my early confusion over Bruce Springsteen and Rick Springfield (but that's another story).

I first heard of Bruce back in the 80s while reading a memoir of sorts in a local newspaper at a downtown sandwich shop. The writer told of an experience listening to a Springsteen song while driving his car through town and the open country-side. (I don't remember the song, but I'm guessing it was Thunder Road.)

He described the song, the lyrics, the sound of Bruce's voice and the music. All this while describing his drive through town and the countryside. Perfectly timed music with starts, stops, turns, acceleration, letting loose. I'd never heard of people connecting to music this way.

It was magical and I got caught up in his experience. This was 25 years ago...mind you...I'd never heard the song nor knew of this Bruce, but after reading this piece...Wow. Little did I know what was awaiting me...

A Hubble Photo

Discovered a new blog the other day about astronomy. Until about 15 years ago I hadn't paid much attention to the skies. Occasionally, I'd marvel at the star lit night during visits to our cabin in the Wyoming mountains. We only have a tiny bit of artificial light there, so the nights provide a great opportunity to see the heavenly displays.

The Hubble photo posted on Tom's Astronomy blog is worth a quick look. I am just amazed at what I see. Swirling galaxies of all different shapes, sizes, and colors. Very, very, cool. Here is the link to the zoomable version. (I'm so glad they fitted Hubble with glasses a number of years back!)