New Fabric Home

This weekend I moved my quilting fabric to its new home.  Several weeks ago I bought this beautiful wooden flat filing cabinet from a friend who is preparing for an estate sale.  It stored numerous prints of her late husband's professional photographs.  It has already boosted my spirits with the rainbow of colors and I hope it translates into more quilting.     

Early Dawn Sky

Didn't sleep very well last night.  Woke about 3:30 with lots of thoughts swirling around my head.  I got up about 4:30 and did some writing.  Both my cats came to be with me at one point.  Been thinking a lot about aging especially after seeing my parents recently and reflecting that I'll be 50 in just over a year. Where has the time gone?

I took the dogs out about 5:15 and marveled at the beauty in the pre-dawn sky.  Venus is so bright this time of year from my horizon.  

Last fall my brother-in-law told us about the wonderful iPad application called Star Walk.  I love it.  Here is an image of what my eyes saw this morning.  I lay down on the deck for a few minutes and took in the amazing beauty and depth.  Amazed by what I can and cannot see with my naked eye.   

Pre-dawn sky at my horizon this morning -
image from Star Walk iPad app

Family Secrets

i wonder if I can really write this post about family secrets.  thought about this while driving home from yoga and wondered if it could be an entree into rewriting my post about our family cabin, what it is, what it means, to me, to our family, especially my father.  maybe it's too soon.  the ability to be really transparent is so hard for me.

this morning i read trisha's and misti's blog posts about their trip to taos - vacationing with people they'd never met in person, but came to know - actually know - through a facebook group.  sounds like a group where they are very real and transparent with each other.  what you see is what you get.  no hiding, no posturing, no justifying.   trisha also wrote an amazingly touching post about her new tattoo she got while there.

as much as I loved reading the posts and was touched deeply, but i also came away feeling sad because i realize only a few people really know all of me.  i can probably count them on one hand.  maybe this is normal.  i have no idea.  i just know that sometimes i wish i didn't have all these 'selves' to keep track of.

i didn't go to my 30 yr high school reunion last weekend.  i only attended part of the 10th and that was at the last moment.  i didn't attend the 20th either.  lots of excuses as to why.  a big part is thinking about walking up by myself.  it is a huge hurdle for me.  large groups are not usually comfortable for me unless I'm with my husband and can "hide" behind him in his comfort zone.  really though i realized that i wasn't sure which 'self' i should be at the reunion.  the good girl, the professional working woman, the deeply spiritual Christian believer, the "lefty" okie in a totally conservative red state.

one of the reasons i started this blog 9 years ago was to help bridge my 'selves' together, but i still sensor myself on these pages.  some transparency yes, but the fear of saying too much or not the right way keeps me from writing.

anyway, soon i want to write a blog about family secrets and how they've impacted me. someday... but not today....see what I mean?

p.s.  i decided not to capitalize any of the first letters of my sentences as a way to write more freely.  it felt good and freeing.

Musing...

Thinking, writing, musing. This is what he does and I love it. I love him.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Love and Rejection

Earlier this year I reread Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard.  I first read the book about 15 years ago and loved it.  Again it speaks volumes.  I came across a line spoken by the Shepherd to Much-Afraid as she described her fears about the hurt and pain a loved one can cause.  The Shepherd acknowledges that loving means being vulnerable to pain and he says:

"But it is happy to love...it is happy to love even if you are not loved in return. There is pain, too, but Love does not think that very significant."

During lunch with a friend recently, she shared about a painful experience when she felt rejected by an inadvertent dismissal of a suggestion of hers by a loved one.  In working though her intense reaction, she held her tongue, acknowledged the pain and heard its message.  Although the pain was intense she had a light bulb moment when she realized this pain was a momentary discomfort and not a crisis.  How much she wanted to reject back, but decided not to.

Soon she found herself thinking about another relationship marked by rejection of her and and with compassion she began extending sweet, sweet grace to these old painful memories.  She knew the other person began life rejected and continued experiencing rejection during their early life.   They never learned how to experience risk by reaching out to people.  Never experienced those connections that include a give and take, compromise.  These are all part of the fabric of relationship.

My friend's experience is serving as an example for me.  This is something I need to work on this year.  I hope I can find and extend the same grace.

~*~

You have heard that it was said, 

‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  

But I tell you, 

love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 

that you may be children of your Father in heaven.  

He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, 

and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.  

Matthew 5:43-45 (NIV)

*~*

Fire

Haven't posted in awhile, but thought I'd share a photo of what's before me just now. We lit a fire in the fire pit both last night and tonight. Soon it will be quite hot and sitting outside will be miserable until the sun goes down, but until then we enjoy.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Indeed Precious

Some months back I visited a friend and her little one at their house. When we first met she was pregnant with this child. He is now 6 and a half. A darling, darling little boy. When I walked into their home he was sitting at the table playing with some figurines.  I love engaging with young children especially when they are playing with something. Turns out the figurines were these really cool Star Wars legos characters and he shared the names of each one.

Then all of the sudden he jumped up to show me his light saber. The light beam flipped out and even made that amazing buzzing sounds. Needless to say I was as delighted as he was.

When I left I couldn't find my keys and he said to me, "If you can't find your keys you can spend the night with us!" It just tickled me. As I walked out with my friend she said he really liked me because not everyone gets invited to spend the night.  Just then he came running out of the house to show me his light saber again...precious, truly precious.

* ~ * ~ * 

In pondering this memory I am struck by the truth that all humanity is special, deeply loved, and indeed precious.  I want to remember this especially when one of my inner voices speaks a different message.

A day I'd do over...

March 20, 2012 is a day I'd choose to live again.  It was a breakthrough day as several things came together for me.  I've been working on some new behaviors/responses over the last several years and on this day I watched myself actively put them into practice.  I was confident, yet teachable, present with the frustrating circumstance.  I weighed choices, made some decisions and implemented them.  I asked questions when I didn't understand, requested clarification, and repeat instructions when needed.

These behaviors have been very difficult for me especially when asking for help.  Growing up I would push away my fears and "negative" emotions.  I would move to a place of "observing and watching" overwhelmed and paralyzed by tension, yet not able to name or acknowledge the myriad of feelings.

Back in May 2009 I enrolled in Susannah Conway's eCourse, Unravelling: Ways of Seeing My Self, but did not finish.  During Week Two on Reflections, I had a health scare.  It turned out to be nothing, but the fear overwhelmed me, tormented my thoughts, and twisted up my emotions for several weeks.  Facing the fear and "Unraveling" at the same time was too intense.

I wrote ferociously in my journal, sobbed buckets of tears, but during that time I faced the tormenting fear of receiving a life threatening diagnosis.  I like to say that I faced DOWN the tormenting fear and learned I could be present in the fear without it overwhelming me.  I learned that the fear came in waves, but would soon go back out.  I learned I could get through each wave.

During lunch the next day with my dear friend, I shared the health news (still undiagnosed at the time).  I asked where the fear comes from and why it comes.  I was in tears and feeling the fear again...feeling each moment of the tormenting fear.  But in the safety of her friendship I could acknowledge that the wave would not kill me.  In that moment my feelings, thoughts and observations were integrated and "with me".  I didn't push away the fear, but let it be present in the same room with my thoughts and observations.

This was a new behavior for me and brings me back to March 20th and why I am so proud of myself.  I almost gave up something I enjoy very much, but in the discouragement and frustration I took some courage and asked for help.  It seems kind of silly for it to be about snow skiing, but I'm okay with that.

I grew up skiing and skied regularly through college, but over the last several years (after a 15 year hiatus) I could only ski 3 to 4 hours a day.  My thighs would be completely shot for the rest of the day.  I blamed it on being out of shape (which is true), but recently something made me wonder if maybe my technique needed help especially since skis now days are shaped differently.

So on our most recent trip to Taos I decided to take a lesson.  My ski instructor was wonderful and I could tell an immediate difference.  I relearned how to turn, to allow the skis to do the work and not muscle each and every turn myself.  I skied the full day and my last run was an absolute blast.  With arms raised in sweet victory I finished my last run with a huge grin on my face.

I heard something revolutionary (at least to me) from a friend about ten years ago about emotions.  She said we can pay attention to our emotions and understand the signals they send without being controlled by them.   It's taken me some time, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

A Connection to my Grandfather

On our recent trip to Taos, we stopped at a Texas rest area just outside the OK-TX border.  I took the camera with me, not even sure why.  I'm sure glad I did.  Inside the ladies room the walls were tiled with an interesting mosaic of the North Texas landscape.

The tile work triggered a special memory of my grandfather.  He and my great uncle designed a number of buildings on the University of Wyoming campus and one in particular has a special place in our family's lore.  The story goes that the inspiration for the Classroom Building came from one of my mom's casserole dishes.  The exterior of the building is quite stunning and for its time was forward thinking in the amenities for classroom instruction.

UW Classroom Building (center) - Photo courtesy Wyoming_Jackrabbit
via  Creative Commons copyright

My grandfather and great uncle envisioned four mosaics in each of the directional corners to represent the state of Wyoming.  Each mosaic was designed by an art professor at the university.  As a little girl I remember my grandpa sharing about the project at their dinner table and I remember seeing the mosaics for the first time.  The building was dedicated in 1971 and underwent significant renovations in 2007 to bring it to current standards.

Several years ago at the suggestion of one of my husband's friends, B and I got copies of the architectural plans from the UW archives (American Heritage Center) and put together a beautiful remembrance for my mom and dad.  We spent several hours looking through boxes and settled on a few drawings.  It was a sweet treat to watch B in the archives, a place where he's spent many hours.

Here is a picture of my dad after opening the Christmas gift.  I know that gift touched a deep place in his heart that day.

4 pairs of gloves

Somehow I ended up with four pairs of gloves on our trip to Taos. I needed ski gloves and wanted a pair of light gloves in case it was too warm. I also wanted my driving gloves and on the first day I found a pair of gloves in my pockets. So between the two of us, B and I had maybe 9 pairs.

At first this felt very uncomfortable to me and a bit extravagant. Perhaps it is, as I am well aware that many people have no gloves.

I could feel myself tensing up and becoming critical toward myself and toward B. I realized something, though, as I started listening to my thoughts. I realized that the four gloves are kinda how we live life right now. It works for us and when we let go of how we "should" be living, we are more comfortable with how we are living.  We are at peace and more open to others. No justifications, no defensiveness, no comparisons, just our delightful selves.